I am not married yet, but I am sure it has to do with communication problems and not being willing to compromise. Also, I think alot of men and women realize that they are commited for life and it scares them.What changes after marriage that makes so many couples divorce? I'm scared to get married now?
might be that the 2 get to know all the bad habits the other has. I think a happy marriage must have good listening skills, and no matter what each person needs to have a means of ';personal space'; arrange that somehow or divorce'll come up no matter wut
There are 2 different things at play here. You are in love, I have been there myself. It was like being hit by lightning. The problem was that I was already married. Being in love, that intestine twisting, can't catch your breath, being in love is wonderful, but it is possibly the worst thing to have a marriage last. You have to take a pragmatic look at whom you are going to marry and once the bloom is off the rose can you deal with that person, warts and all, for 10, or 20, or 30 years. Love does not conquer all, and you cannot live on love. Women have a particular problem with that love thing. If you want a marriage to work, be practical rather than being in love.
I suggest that no one get married or have kids until at least age 28+
Well, first of all, its no longer fun. For the guy, its the end of the line, theres no way back, he feels kinda like...trapped. He may love her, but the thought of being with one women for his life is kinda hard. They will deny it, but its the truth. This is of course countered by getting married 30 and above, for the man. The women should be 25 or above. This seems to be the best age to start with.
First of all, at 30, a guy usually has his life planned, career settled, and life pretty much figured out. Getting married is alot easier then. usually before 30(ish), a guy is still trying to establish a career and figure out life, getting married is not something that should be done early. There will be fights, which hurt the relationship, and he may stray to another women which ends the marriage usually. People wonder why the divorce rate is so high, people getting married too young.
The women should be around 25 or so, this seems to be about the age when women are settled down and comfortable with life and themselves. They seem to have more confidence and seem to know what they want. Plus it makes sense cause women are usually more mature at a younger age.
Another reason is cause these are after the kid phases. Partying, blowing money, hanging out, going no where, that type of stage. So when people get married to young, they fail cause they tried growing up too fast and found out that being married isnt easy. It takes alot of work.
Obviously communication is needed. You have to communicate. When you get married, that person is supposed to be your best friend, your companion, so not sharing thoughts, talking, communicating, making decisions together instead of on your own, hurts the marriage. See a big thing is, people now days seem to take it to the extreme. The women think the guy has to do all the work so they can get whatever they want, and anything less is bad. They use sex as currency instead of love. The guy thinks she has to clean everything and keep the house up while he does nothing, and he excpects her to give it up whenever he says.
Of course this isnt all guys, but this is the generation coming/already here.
Those are the obvious points. The not so obvious thing, kids.
First, kids are more work then a person thinks. A kid is probably one of the biggest strains on a marrage. The first couple years are basically one of the spouces taking care of the kid while the other sleeps. And when their both awake they are to tired to talk, plus now theirs a kid so communicating is alot harder. If you have a kid, you have to still talk and do things together. After marrage, after kids, you still have to date each other. It is something that people dont think of. If you date each other after marrage and kids, then your relationship strengthens, obviously. Then, when the kids move out, you still have each other. Your spouse is someone you know, not a stranger who sleeps in the same bed as you. I hear more of that story then anything.
';When the kids moved out we realized we had nothing in common, I didn't know the person I married anymore';
something like that. Just remember, after marriage it takes ALOT of work. You have to comunicate, you have to date each other (while giving the other their space), trust is also a big thing, without it theres no point in getting married.
Oh money. That is something that is mostly the womens fault. This is something where alot have trouble in. First off, women, and men, shouldnt just buy whatever, shouldnt just spend whatever they want, they have to talk about it. Of course I dont mean, ';I want a candy bar, can I?'; I mean, talk about the budget, how much can you spend on groceries for the week or month, establish what you need, budget. One thing that can really damage a marriage is when the women spends mass amounts of money, and then the guy has to pay for it. And with this generation, the guy will hold it in...hold it in...untill it gets to the point where all the stuff is too much and then bam, the marriage ends.
Hopefully this helps, and makes sense.
A lot of people mistake lust for love. You can have lust for a lot of people. You can enjoy spending time with lots of people but these are not reasons to get married. It takes time to get to know someone. You need to see how they react in different circumstances. You need to talk about religion and politics. You should agree on lifestyle. Most people overlook thier partners shortcomings and think that everything will be ok. I can assure you that whatever little thing that your partner does while you are dating that you do not like will become 10 times more of a problem after marraige. You should love and respect each other and not settle for less. No one should try to control someone else. If this is happening then the relationship needs to end. In other words if the relationship is difficult and does not flow well it needs to end.
My wife and I were married when I was 22 and she was 19. It was predicted that we would fail because we were so young, but we're about to hit our 8 year mark and neither of us could be happier.
There is no ';secret'; to a happy marriage, it's just a matter of understanding the institution. Marriage is a commitment for life, but American society (and television and movies) show that divorce is easy, and often praise it as the ';right thing to do'; over a small disagreement. I'm not anti-divorce any more than I'm anti-gastric bypass, but do you think that someone who is 25 lbs. overweight should get their stomach stapled? It's an extreme response to a small problem that requires a little self control and discipline.
Successful marriages are founded upon excellent communication skills and the ability to compromise - not by one party, but by both. No matter how ';in love'; you feel, marriage is 50% thrill ride and 50% ditch digging; you have to work to make a relationship successful. You can't sit around and expect those happy feelings to guide your life forever, and suddenly - when the newness is gone - think you need to ditch this person and find someone else that gives you those temporary ';butterflies.';
People enter into marriage with a very unrealistic view of what marriage is. And, worse yet, once they are married, a sense of ownership comes over both people, they begin to take everything and the other for granted..and in general, stop working on the relationship...stress of marriage wrecks the foundations, and it tumbles.
IF you were to get married, burn the marriage license and act as if the door were open every day...that your other would be there tomorrow ONLY if today was good. Act like that and no marriage would end in divorce. Good luck
He %26amp; She start taking each other for granted..
They stop working on the relationship...
They get complacent %26amp; lazy with the marriage..
Successful marriages take constant work and TLC...
Routine happens, if you could avoid that you have it made.
The key to a successful relationship is communication. But good communication comes from understanding yourself. If you can't understand yourself, how can you expect others to understand you. The same is true of love. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you. So, first learn to love yourself, to honor yourself by the choices you make and accept yourself without judgment. When you can do this, love yourself, then you can learn to love and accept another. And, if you can understand yourself, you can begin to understand others. Look at ';friendships';. Not many of them last. About the same percentage as marriages. Because people have trouble accepting themselves and trouble communicating.
In a nutshell they should have known before they married that they werent compatible man nobody said that marriage was any easy task if you dont have the capability to turn the other cheek and alot I mean it alot than you have no business being married at all. You are going from dealing with your own always right self to having to deal with another human beings feelings and opinions and you better hope that you dont hurt there feelings because than you have a whole other fight on your hands. My mother-in-law gave me the best advise I have ever had she said'; Sweetie always remember that you can never take back anything that you say out of anger'; so be careful what you say. So now I think before I open my big mouth.....and it works truely......pick your battles dont sweat the small stuff....good luck Angel
What changes is your whole life! When you are dating, you tend to not expect the same things that you do after you marry. That leads to disappointment and fighting. When you are just dating, you can go home if your lover annoys you, when you marry, you live together. Then theres panic...OMG!! I just promised my whole life and monogamy to the nut who sings in his sleep!!!!
Marriage is not easy. The first year is the hardest because thats when you notice every annoying habit your mate has, when you realize that this is it..forever. Thats also when a lot of couples start to expect more from each other..more maturity, more responsibility and so on.
Its ok to panic a little, we all do. What mattters is how you and your mate handle that panic. Breathing slowly through the worst of it and doing things to remind each other why the hell you married in the first place helps a lot.
As far as expectations go, you need to talk about it before you walk down the aisle. Make sure you know what you want from him and he knows what he wants from you, then tell each other openly, honestly and clearly. Also discuss everything else you can think of...kids? where you will live? finances and debts? religion? pets?...get through all the details to avoid unpleasant surprises after the vows.
And COMPROMISE!! Thats a biggie. Don't be afraid to make a deal to keep both of you happy. He wants a 5 course meal and you want a back rub? OK, then agree to cook if he will give you a body rub after.
A sense of humor always helps. I cannot tell you how many times I would have murdered my husband if I couldn't laugh at and with him.
Many people marry their love and leave when the emotions wane or things get rocky. Expect the unexpected. Things happen, not all of them good. In every permanent relationship there are emotional and physical highs and lows, you don't have to divorce just because you hit a low point.
Keep in mind the 3 C's....Communication, Committment and Comedy and you should be fine!
Because with marriage, what ever you thought you knew about the person when you were single is only the half of it. I now truly believe that it takes at least a lifetime and a half to truly know a person. The biggie is that people change. You are different at 20, 30, 40 and onward. And what you want out of life changes. Many people don't take that into consideration when getting hitched. Most times when people get married it's just to meet society's expectations.
Also with marriage comes tremendous responsibility; especially financially. Then there's kids, and careers, and in-laws, addiction, spending habits, who's gonna clean house, cook, laundry, the breadwinner, education, so many factors influence a succesful marriage.
I've been married for 5 years without children (we are waiting), and I'm still getting to know my husband. But we are loyal, dedicated, committed people. And we are best friends. And just because your'e in love doesn't mean that you'll possess the aforementioned qualites. Some people are simply not in it for the long haul. Hell, some couples aren't even friends. They thought that just because the love making was good that sex it would be able to sustain a lasting relationship....nothing could be further from the truth. Being friends is a must.
There's nothing to be scared about. You've just got to fully trust the core of the person you are with. And if you have any doubts about getting married...it means don't. In fact doubt...even the slightest...means don't.
When I married my husband I had no doubts that I was supposed to marry him. That's how entering a marriage should feel for both parties.
Hope this helps.
M.
go read my answere to yellow stonedogs question. the one with the picture of a wolf. stop getting married so fast. wait 5-7 year and if you can still put up with each others crap then consider. people get caught up in the bliss of the first few years. but as soon as things start getting real they bail. ive been with this guy for going on 11 years. were not married. ive been through hell and back with this guy but were still going strong. i believe that if we ever got married wed make it because we know eachother so well and we best friends and we work great as a team if after that long you can say that then get married
Marriage is not about finding the right person. It's more about being the right. People don't look at themselves enough. They get married and find flaws in the other person and get divorced. You've got to know yourself. Don't marry thinking that the other one will make you happy. You've got to be happy already. This is my advice to all who think about getting married: Be willing to put your self second. Be willing to do more for your spouse than you would do for yourself. If you both can have that attitude then you will always consider the other persons feelings over your own. You've got to give in marriage. If you can't you're doomed from the start. Remember, be the person that you would want to marry. Good luck.
Well, this is a very good question.
I am already in my 9th year of marriage, with 3 boys. :)
To be very frank, my wife is not the one I love most.
Everyone got some ';perfect'; partner in their mind, they make up nice ';Dream'; future about their marriage with their ';Dream'; partner. Most of these ';Dream'; don't turn out well...because it is just a ';Dream'; and also because they set expectations for themselves and added-on unneccessary burden to themselves. When things don't get going the way they expect, it got ugly.
When you mentioned your friends who were so loving and ended their marriage in a month...well, it is a lesson for you to learn:';Don't judge a book by it's cover';!
The same should apply to you and your future hubby. Both of you or every love birds(before marriage) will always present their best in front of their love ones...but, when the ';Paper'; is stamped! Doom, you see the original self of him/she.
My advice is, be yourself whenever and wherever you are. Let both see the real side of each others. Most people today put on a ';Mask'; so that they look nice in front of others.
Accept the other party as what they are, DO NOT, DO NOT Expect the other party to change for you after marriage!!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!
Marriage is about 2 human beings living, eating and sleeping together. We know we will never find someone who has exact behaviour like ourselves. We must learn to accept the other party's habbits and styles of living...Many people would think that, if she/he loves me, she/he should accomodate my styles and habbits...SELFISH Thinking! It must be both party, both should not take things for granted.
Both must communicate after a hard day's work, sharing their pain and joy of their daily work...many says should'nt talk about work, but...if you spend 1/3 of your time at work, what else you can talk about??
Both party should treat their marriage life as if it is still in courtship and do the same things you do before marriage...ie surprises, roses, gifts, hugs and kisses...etc. Don't give stupid excuses like wasting money, no time, lame...etc.
To keep marriage going...we should pretend as if we were still not married...
Well, the above is only 30% of what I did in my marriage...hopes it helps...Good Luck!!!
I love that you are concerned about this.Talk to him about it...he needs to understand your fear and actually he should share your fear to some extent. It is scary how many end so quickly. So here are some thoughts. First off age...age statistically can hurt you...the younger you are the more likely it will fail...why?...because not enough life expereinces. The next thing and what I believe is the main reason that marriages fail, is that people may date for years but that doesn't insure that they know one another. People are too much about all the fun they have together that they fail to learn ...I mean really learn about their partner. I mean do you really know him. Do you know all his values. What ones kind of bother you but you ignore....are they things you can live with or could they become a problem later. Have you talked in depth about money...how it will be spent, saved, retirement, schools for kids, what values are you going to teach the kids. What are your values when it comes to honesty? Is it ok to bend the truth...is it ok to omit the truth. How many married people can say they really know their partners viewpoint on many of the above items. And believe me I could go on and on and on with so many more things that are rarely ever discussed in any detail with prospective lifelong partners. And thats the problem...they think oh wow...we have alot of fun together...we like tennis and bowling and boating so we have alot in common but do you really? And of course the sex is great so hey...why not get married when in fact thats the one thing they really could have waited on. How ironic. So then they get married and then the real life issues come up and they find oh wow...we don't see eye to eye on any of this improtant stuff so instead of trying to fix it, it is to easy to just say ...DIVORCE. Another statistic in the book....Thats how it happens....so take time to make sure you really know each other. Good Luck!
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